Like Dust In The Wind

 Because I've realised that livejournal sucks, I'll see you here.

xoxo
joyce 

I had this sudden urge to invite the Exco over for a steamboat dinner during one of the days of Chinese New Year and I talked to my mum about it just now. She got so anxious not because she thought I would be a bad host but because she has this twisted fear that I might make the oven explode, or leave the gas on and kill everyone, or the food I serve will poison everyone. 

But I'm sure I'll handle things fine! Besides... I've been thinking of how I can thank the Exco for their hard work over the past year and Bingo! Steamboats are the best, especially if they're at someone's place. I hate steamboats at restaurants because I think its a violation of Rule #1 for Steamboats - Making sure everyone's comfortable. 

Yay I cannot wait. I love having people over at my place! :)

I've got iTunes on my laptop, and it's bursting with about 700 songs, but very often I find myself listening to songs on youtube instead. And that's because those are the songs I really like but I don't have them in avi or mp3 format.

These are what I truly define as feel-good songs.

The Carpenters are great but The Beatles are simply the BOMB!

 

Poly is going to end in a couple of weeks' time and it troubles me tremendously that I still have no clear direction of where I should head thereafter.

I like to make decisions, I like to know what I want in life. I like to have a direction so that I can steer myself towards a goal you know, but at the same time, I always fear making the wrong decisions. 

I try to be rational and pratical with my decision, I always weigh the pros and cons. Oh my God I can just keep on rambling because I feel the anxiety that is coupled with uncertainty, which is making me all edgy and itchy. 

Seriously, I need a direction real soon. I hate it when people ask me "So, what are your plans?" and I have no definite answer. None at all, to be honest. 

:(

Being on duty on Sundays has become more like a chore than a service. I used to regard being able to play the piano or synthesizer on sundays as a privilege... many years ago. If I'm not wrong, since 5 years ago. Now its a totally different story. 

I just cannot play that well anymore. It's like a skill I'm gradually losing... and it's not as if I'm bothering to practise anyway. 

Maybe it's because I haven been up there for quite some time. I've had to get replacements too many times the past months because of my busy schedule, so I have not managed to touch the piano for a long time. I still love the instrument you know, but today, I just couldn't play. During music practise, I had to look at sammie / grace for help so many times because I didn't know what the trainer was trying to tell me to do. 

He's like "Give me a G" 
Then I'll go... "Shit. G. G. G. What the hell! what am I supposed to play? G.... G...... Sammie! Grace! What does he want? What should I do?"

But a G is just a G and when someone asks you to give them a G, you simply hit the key or give them G chord. So I don't know what was wrong but that fool-proof instruction was like an uphill task for me.  

And there was this time he asked the drummer to start first, then the bass and then guitar and piano and when it came to my turn he signalled for me to start but I was just STUCK. "Okay. F. I know he wants a F now but how should I play the F!?" And I panicked. Everyone was looking at me waiting for me to start - and I was sitting there like an idiot with spastic fingers (my fingers were running all around but not hitting any keys at all). Believe me, at that point of time all I wanted was to pack up and go home. Then Uncle Stephen cracked a joke by turning on his keyring torchlight and pointed its light at the piano keys saying "She can't find the F key, I'm helping her look for it!"

I mean yeah it was funny, Uncle Stephen's always funny thanks for the laugh I needed so much but I was a nervous wreck inside still. And that was just the music practise.

We had worship rehearsal for tmr after the practise and I was just the same, if not worse. It was like the first time ever Aunty June was standing behind me htroughout the whole session telling me how I should play because I just couldn't execute. And she had to remind me to relax so many countless times. I thought she got impatient at some point because I kept repeating the same old mistake of jumping octaves. 

I am so going to spoil the whole worship session tomorrow - I mean later.

I know, the end of the year always calls for a reflective post. 

So here I go, once again.

2007. If you asked me to use one word to describe what 2007 had been like for me, I'd say it was "nurturing". It was a year of learning, experiencing, and self-discovery for me. Most significantly, my 5 months of attachment at Charlton Media as a print journalist and my appointment as president of ambassadors are the two things that are most memorable.


Indstrial Attachment
My time spent at Charlton Media really expanded my network of friends. It gave me the opportunity to meet people from many different countries, and it also exposed me to the real industry. I remember going to work on the first day feeling extremely lost. In that first week, I was also always complaining to my friends about my job there. I was writing business articles, hello? Yes, business - probably the last thing you'd associate me with. 

But for the sake of getting good grades, I told myself to push on. And in the end, I found myself getting more and more accustomed to the job. I attended major international conferences as a journalist, I set up and conducted interviews with important people, I wrote more stories than I thought I could, I took charge of the compilation of an issue of Singapore Business Review, I was also given the opportunity to take pictures that were used for the front cover of Asian Banking and Finance magazine. Attachment also
earned me great friends from Mauritius, India, Thailand, NZ, Aussie, UK, and Malaysia. I was fortunate enough to have been attached to a company with a great working environment and extremely patient and helpful superiors (who taught me so so much). In fact, even as I look back at what I've accomplished for attachment, I am thankful and reassured of my choice of going to Poly. It's a choice I know I will never regret. 


Ambassadors
My involvement in Ambassadors the last year had been quite unforgettable. There were ups and downs and I don't like to talk about ambs here, but what I want anyone reading this journal to know is that ambassadors has played a big big part in shaping my leadership capabilities. And one thing for sure, without my exco I am nothing. I thank them for all their support and friendship all these while. But you know, if you turned back time and asked me to choose again, I'd choose...... Nvm.  Anyway, going on...


The Hero
2007 has also brought me closer to certain people around me. My dad, the girls, certain ambassadors, James, Sammie, and Mel. 2007 showed me how great a father, husband, and son my dad is. Yes, to my friends he may seem really intmidating and unfriendly. My dad has a cold, steel exterior to those who don't now him well but to me, he is one person I will always hold utmost respect for. I can write a whole long and exhausting post on just my dad alone, but I won't do that now. Just know that my dad is a person with a lot of love for the people around him. I hope I grow to be like him.


The Companions
During the recent Christmas that ended, something rather unforgettable happened. I'll not talk about it, I don't really want to talk about it, and I know those who were with me would also want to put whatever happened behind them. To me, on the surface it might have seemed like the Christmas didn't turn out as well as it should have ought to, but I feel everything was a blessing in disguise. If anything, I think it made us understand each other more. 


The Jackass
James used to be this boy in church who only made me want to punch him in the face to get him to shut up. As much as he was darn funny and all, there were too many times he pushed the line too far and made me really, really, really mad. But this year I think he grew and changed, for the better. I'm glad for the friendship that has materialised in this year. He's now someone I can talk to anytime, about almost anything. And a great shopping companion too. 


The Chaotafied One
Sammie was this little girl whom I'll only use "cute" to describe her. That was one year ago. Now Sammie to me isn't just "cute", but also "thoughtful", "intelligent", "soft", and "humble". She's someone I can talk to for hours and hours after church, over lunch and everything. She is also probably the world's greatest klutz. Aways tripping over her OWN slippers. And really I didn't think I could ever click so well with a girl 4 years younger. But then again, anyone who knows Sammie well would use "lady" on her, rather than "girl". She's mature for her age. OLD! Haha.


The True One 
Mel, as always, has ben so true as the cousin who never fails to brighten up my day. She's someone I really look up to. This year, I guess I could talk to her a lot better because I'm no longer that "little cousin". We can spend a whole night chatting about anything under the sun at all until we fall asleep. It helps that we have a lot in common. Mel is the best cousin anyone can ever get. 


The Breakthroughs
It's been rather interesting too. In 2007, I had quite a number of first-times. First time getting drunk. First time in a dark room. First time dressing up for Halloween. First time teaching little kids at church. First time staying out overnight without informing my parents. A couple of other things I shouldn't be proud of. And the list goes on and on. 


The Final Note
Looking back at it all, I must say I have been truly blessed. I believe that everything that has happened has happened for a reason. I cannot think of anything overly depressing or anything overly traumatising. It'd been an eye opener mostly. It had been fruitful too. 


The New Start
My new year resolutions for 2008: 

1. To embrace any opportunity thrown at me
2. To be more mindful with my words
3. To give more than to take


HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL. :)

Most of the time when people confide in me, I do as much as I can to hear them out. It feels good being able to help people out. But sometimes I really wonder if I'm of help at all. I'm uncertain because people don't say "THANK YOU"! 

Urgh. 

It's not that I'm asking for something in return you know, I mean I'll welcome the same person with open arms if he/she were to come back to me again. But it's just... isn't that BASIC decorum? Well if its not to you, it is to me!

Maybe its because I'm very, very, very anal when it comes to politeness and such. I got it from my dad, who's extremely particular when it comes to matters as such.

Urgh, ok maybe I ought to be more gracious... Hmm.










But omg I can't get over it! 
Urgh. Urgh. Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Whenever the last day of a year beckons, I can't help reflect on the year that is about to pass. But before I dwell into that, I've got more important things to talk about. Which, of course, is CHRISTMAS! 

The past 2 days had been more fun than I could have imagined. On Thursday I went to work in the evening - first time in months since this crazy semester began. It's really the semester of which I'm working the least in my almost 3-years of poly life. Going back to work after so long wasn't a problem, since our jobscope's rather simple. Eunice, Heikal, Edwina and I were the ones working that day and we spent quite some time after work just slacking and teasing each other (Well the war was really mainly between Heik and Eunice). Then Heik, Eunice and I went for supper, and we stayed there chatting for some time before heading home.

On Friday I had to go back to school in the morning to settle whatever there was to settle, and then it was RC4 Viking's BBQ. I was surprised to realise there and then that I was actually happy busying myself with making sure everyone's stomach was fed and that the people there were comfortable. I know I was like super aunty with my unkempt hair and everything, but even though it was busy, it wasn't the stressful sort of busy for a change, and so that was great. A few of us ambs went over to T Xu's place for movies overnight and that was fun too, meeting up with the seniors, it was just like the old, good times. But too bad I had to leave early in the morning while everyone was stil asleep because I had to be in church for music practise.

But even so, it was still fun at church. Uncle Jon's kids Cherylene, Bryan and Claire came along after that and with their help I got a bit of balloons up to make the place look more colourful and festive. Because they're kids, I was mainly the one inflating the balloons so now my jaw hurts. Oh well, still fun! And Auntie June treated us to Sakae Sushi for lunch!

Then this evening I went over to my grandma's place for my family christmas celebration. I feel quite bad this year because the kids usually look forward to my gifts. I usually give them individual presents every year, but this year I'm really extremely broke. So as usual they marched after me to one of the bedrooms only to find that this year I only got them some sort of fanciful looking erasers. I know a couple of them looked disappointed but the younger ones were still quite thrilled anyway. lol. Next year my dear cousins, next year!

I decided not to go for the SGH Caroling in the end because it unfortunately coincided with my family's christmas celebrations. As much as I would love to Carol this year, I didn't want to compromise my family's celebration. It's priceless watching the kids getting so thrilled over the gifts, and just like every other year, a few of the little cousins cried over getting gifts they didn't like. Then this year, Megan got so good with the Hula Hoop that she impressed all of us when her hoop didn't drop even after like damnnnn freaking long. Megan's just 3 btw. It's awesome shit la lol.

I took quite a few videos of the gift exchange - didn't take so much photos this year cos I'm just going to get my aunt to send hers to me. I want to put up the videos here to show really how many thousand little cousins I have and to show you the ruckus they kick up everytime when it comes to gift exchange, but I'm really too lazy to upload them. Heheh!

Javier and Kara

I really don't want them to grow up too quickly... Gatherings are fun this way. :)

I know I should count myself so lucky, I know I should be feeling so fortunate. I know I should be so thankful. I know I should get over it. I know I should put myself into the shoes of others who were in a much less fortunate situation...

But I cannot just pretend that I did not lose the $60 over bucks that was meant for getting Christmas presents. I know it's not very much, but it is a lot to me considering I'm not working part time now (for the first time since I finished my O Levels) and that I don't usually get money from my parents unless I'm really starving outside. 

I don't like to get money from my parents, from anyone. I want to be independent. I want to rely on myself. I know I can handle my financials well if I had the time and chance to work this semester. I want to work even during this two week of holidays, but I can only find one day of which I'm free to do so. 

I really regret not taking up the freelance writing offer I got. They quoted $0.50 per word.

What was I thinking?

I joined this facebook group sometime ago and it really pretty much sums up what I feel at times.

Group Info

Name:	Why Yes, I Do Frequently Burst Out in Song
Type:	Just for Fun - Totally Random
Description:	Do you ever walk into the grocery store and wish that you could just start singing, and everyone in the grocery store would just fall in behind singing and dancing the exact same as you are? When talking to people, do you constantly think of song titles with every other sentence they say? Do you burst out singing the most random songs frequently? Do you ever find people looking at you strangely, only to realize that you've been singing for the last fifteen minutes? Are you in love with musicals and Disney movies? Do you sometimes feel like you have 'musical terettes'? If Yes, then you are in the right group.  Why yes, we all do frequently burst out in song!

 

You know there are times when I'm at any open field, I have to resist the urge to hop and dance around and sing aloud... "The fields are aliveeeeee, with the sounddd of muuusicccccccc."

And then there are times when I see a rainbow and I go all melancholic and start belting out "Sommmmmee whereeeeee, over the rainnnbowwwww, wayyyyy up thereeeee"

Then there's also those times when I walk past the massive aquarium at the basement of Wisma and I want to go "Under the Sea! Under the sea! Darling it's better, down where its wetter, take it from me!"

And then! And Then! When I see a toy lion or warthog or whatever-sort-of-animal-Timon-is, I have to start humming to the tune of "Hakuna Matata".

Now its Christmas time and whenever I'm out and I hear the song "All I want for Christmas Is You" I want to start linking arms with whoever is nearby and start dancing around so so so much but I have to use all the muscles and will-power that I have to keep my feet rooted to the ground and not make a fool out of myself. Sometimes its so hard it kills me. Then I have to come home and dance around in the privacy of my own room. 

And don't you dare spread this. 

Why is it so difficult to stay still? Why can't it be a social norm to have people dancing and singing aloud in public at any time they feel like it? Or I am just the only insane one?

I find myself inevitably thinking about this year's Christmas at many points of time recently. Like I'd be walking from this block to another block and then suddenly I'll be thinking "What should I get for Mel and Cheryl, and all the little cousins this year?" or "So exactly how many times will I be celebrating Christmas this year?"

When I was younger, Christmas eve nights were always spent at Mel's place. We would always cook dinner together (mostly it was Mel cooking, I'm like the assistant, bringing out pots and plans and setting the table etc. Then we'll watch a movie and exchange presents but won't open them until Christmas morning. We'd have a potted candle each and we'll leave the candle on till morning to have that warm, Christmas-y feel. On Christmas mornings, we'll find the stockings we left in the living room stuffed with little things (it used to be fanciful stationary, candies and chocolates) by my aunt (Mel's mum). 

Then we grew up, and you know as you grow up, you tend to have more celebrations organised by friends and all. In secondary school I still meet with Mel and Cheryl on eves and we have dinner together and then slowly eves were marked off for them because of boyfriend and work and all that stuff, so nowaways we still meet up for Christmas (3 of us and sometimes with our other friends) but it'll always be a few days before Christmas.

So while my cousins spent Christmas eve with their boyfriends, I found myself joining my churchies on eves. In fact for the past 5 years I've been staying out late on eves with churchies. It's almost become a tradition. We'll come together, have a heart-baring candlelight session where every one of us take turns to talk about the year that's about to end... pour out our deepest thoughts and feelings about everyone else. Usually quite a few of us we end up tearing, thankful for all the times that we looked out for each other, for all the care and concern that's been showered on us. I actually enjoy these sessions - it makes us all realise how important each and everyone of us is. And you realise that the things you do sometimes which may seem insignificant actually does mean a lot to others. 

But this year, its going to be quite different. The girls plus me (poly friends) are planning a Christmas party (and we have a theme) - just the few of us because it's like going to be the last Christmas spent while we're all still in poly. We already know that some of us are going to go overseas and some staying... Plus we're graduating very soon and will prolly end up embarking on very different routes so we want to spend this eve together. We're going to get a chalet and have turkey and dress up comfortably in pyjamas, have pillow fights and our own christmas jamming and I am looking forward to it so so so much! 

BUT

But to be very very very honest, I hate to have to forgo spending this Christmas eve at church. But I promise to be there in the evening at least because it's Sammie's birthday! (haha poor girl, she's quite upset her birthday falls on the eve) Oh well, at least I get to Carol with them all at Singapore General Hospital on the 22nd. But speaking of the Caroling I really hope it doesn't turn out to be disappointing because the last rehearsal we had was quite pointless and so not constructive. 

And then this year - I don't know why, but there seems to be quite a number of dinners that I'll be having!

1. Best friends (Joyce Carol Joanna Anna Kaili)
2. School friends
3. The Girls (the party I mentioned)
4. With my whole extended family (also one of my favourite parts of Christmas!)
5. Cousins of course!
6. My attachment friends are planning a dinner too!
7. Dinner with churchies before I go for Girls' Party
8. I'll be volunteering myself for a CDAC event to help families with low income. Ani's coming with me =)


See, this is why I love Christmas. Even though it means I'm broke as can be after all these celebrations, I love how this season brings people together. The companionship and warmth of all these events is priceless. Of course, not forgetting the true reason for the celebrations, Christ!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I was just chatting with a friend.

And I realised that there's too many things in life that you do not have the answers for. 

How can I disagree?

You know, when I first watched the movie, I didn't exactly like the storyline. Because it just wasn't realistic.

BUT

The more I look at the videos, the more I like the movie. I mean, yes I know fairy tales are just too good to be true, but there's something about these disney-ish movies that gradually draws you in. I've been a sucker for Disney songs since forever. I know almost every song from Mary Poppins to Lion King, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Lilo and Stitch, Cinderella, Parent Trap, snow White, Pinocchio, Toy Story, Hercules, Bambi, Mulan and a few other Disney Cartoons and now I think in 2 weeks time I will be able to recite all the lyrics and songs from Enchanted.

I'm hooked once again. It's so light hearted and fun. I hate the prince here btw. So annoying. 


Enchanted - That's How You Know
 


Enchanted - Happy Working Song
 


The Little Mermaid - Part of Your World (My all-time favourite)



Pocahantus - Colours of The Wind



Beauty and the Beast - Something There (I think this is so sweet)



The Lion King - Hakuna Matata (Each time I hear this song, I must hear to the end)



 

Somehow, somewhere along the line, I lost all interest in journalism. I don't want to write anymore. I don't want to report anymore. I don't want to present anymore. 

I still love photography, I still love and enjoy my other school committments but I lost all motivation particularly in print journalism. Maybe it's because I saw Tribune today and it sucked because the 700 word story I wrote was cut to 300 and there wasn't any picture to accompany it. That - to be honest I don't really mind, but its the thought of having to write even more articles in the remaining 9 weeks of school. 

I just want to learn more. Not just write, you know. Of the 3 electives I've chosen, I can daresay I learned the most from photojournalism. I definitely learned more about print journalism and even public relations and events during my attachmment than I am learning now in school. Of course, school still rocks and I still enjoy going to school. It's just...

I thought I was going to venture into the journalism line but I know now that I will forfeit that idea for sure. 

And it really sucks now because I want to know what I want to do but I just don't know.

The following videos were done by Royston Tan in response to MDA censoring a large part of his award-winning film "15".
I think its just hilarious and brilliant.

And then I think just recently MDA came up in this video to redeem themselves. I can't decide if I should feel ashamed of having something like this coming from the top of a major organisation or if I should just laugh it off and give them credit for trying.




You tell me.
 

I love how Jun Wei can get so high and eccentric at some times, he can be so spontaneous and hilarious, and I love how he takes everything with a pinch of salt too. 

I love how Cheryl gets so lame and funny all at the same time, especially when she's pissed, and for enduring the past 3 years with me.

I love how Cat is so calm and collected at all times, always knowing the right thing to do, and for being really sweet too.

I love how Clarence is so penguin-y and comical, cracking jokes all the time that'll make me die laughing.

I love how Timo can make up so many accents and I will miss his whinings over MSN about ____, and I love how he is so easy to talk to too. 

I love how Marvin is always so forward-looking and reliable, and also for being so tactful always. 

If there was one BEST thing about ambassadors, it would have to be being able to work with these precious year 3s so closely over the past 3 years (actually only about 6 months). 

What would I do without you all. 
=)

 

An officer from Corp Comms showed the ambassadors this video once, and I had to restrain myself from tearing then. When I somehow chanced upon this video again recently in the comfort of my own room, I let the tears flow. 

I'm pessimistic and skeptical when it comes to believing in true love, but there is one exception.

Love is real, only when it's love from your family. Can never be mistaken.

 I came home today from church, and found my dad dismantling the wall fan to clean. Then my heart sunk a little because it's Sunday and I want my dad to just have a good rest, but he's still working around the house.

Then I walked into my room, and saw that my room was all packed and tidy. The rubbish bag had been removed, the stacks of notes and books and magazines had been piled up neatly, the dust on the photoframes were wiped off, the wires from my laptop, desklamp, and keyboard were wound up neatly. The countless numbers of water bottles and mugs accumulated on my desk from working late into the night over the week were cleared, and replaced with one red plastic water bottle filled to the brim, and covered. 

I also saw that he had turned my pillows up, the way I like them to be.

My dad is so sweet I don't know what my family would do without him.

I love him.

I love my dad more than anyone else in the world.

It's times like these when I get so laden with stuff, that instead of being on duty behind the piano at church on sundays, I wish with all my heart that I can just be down at the seats, listening, quietly just trying to make myself heard to the God I am almost about to believe perhaps never did exist at all. Beats having the whole congregation in front of you and having to force the music out of my stubby and retarded fingers, and worst of all, out of a cold, sore, and heavy heart.

It's 3am now and whatever I am saying probably does not make any sense, but its so hard to convey anything anyway. I hate emo posts so I am stopping here.